Contending for the Faith

The rain has let up for a few days here in Ft. Worth and the full sun peeked out today for more than a few minutes for the first time is several days. It felt good.

 

What didn’t feel good today was the hurt that I witnessed and to which I am privy. Brokenness on some very deep levels, way down in the depths of the hearts of good folks.

 

One of my customers today came in to pay her storage bill, although she couldn’t remember the cube number or the name under which her daughter had rented it. Well, without that information I wasn’t able to be of much help, so she called her estranged daughter, who had initially rented it for her. The side of the conversation I heard was laced with cursing as it was obvious that the daughter refused to give the information her mother needed to access the cube that held her belongings. It broke my heart that someone could be so spiteful as to not give out some simple information that would help a loved one. Fortunately, there was an open door, I asked permission to pray for the mom sitting in front of my desk and she wholeheartedly agreed. As I prayed peace over the situation she broke down. In the midst of that brokenness, God was able to touch this mom, even if only for a moment.

 

I am aware of some dear friends battling for the heart of one of their children. It’s an ugly fight and the devil isn’t playing fair. They have a battalion of prayer warriors lifting them up daily and sometimes moment-by-moment, but the devil keeps swinging and sometimes lands some pretty solid body blows. I reminded my friend today that it isn’t about how many times the devil knocks us down. It’s about how many times we get back up. And KEEP getting back up.

 

I have another dear friend who is battling leukemia WAY sooner than anyone should EVER have to battle it. After the first round of chemo the news wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t great. The “belly bully,” as he calls it, hasn’t shrunk but it hasn’t got bigger. So we keep fighting.

 

I pondered these things all afternoon and at the end of the day, literally and not figuratively, I came to the same conclusion as did the Psalmist when he said,

 

“I would have lost heart, unless I had believed

That I would see the goodness of the Lord

In the land of the living.” (27:13)

Be faithful, my friends.

Be Careful What You Wish For

Oh what I would do to have
The kind of faith it takes to step out of this boat I’m in,
Onto the crashing waves…

Oh what I would do to have
The kind of faith it takes to stand before a giant,
With just a sling and a stone…

– Casting Crowns, Voice of Truth

Okay, so the title of this post isn’t grammatically correct.  Be careful for that which you wish.  Better?  Good. 🙂

All of us at one time or another have wished that our faith was just a little stronger.  Many of us have prayed for great faith or that God would increase our faith, which is what the apostles asked of Jesus in Luke 17:5. So it’s biblical to do so, right?   It is indeed, but you also need to remember that Jesus taught extensively about the cost of being a disciple in Luke 14:25-35.  Following Christ may end up costing you more than you realize, and more than you are, at present, willing to give up.  I’m talking about more than just missing a little sleep in the morning in order to get up and have your quiet time.  While that will indeed increase your faith little by little as you build a firm foundation, some of us still pray big prayers and cry out to God that He give us BIG faith. 

Be careful what you wish for.

If big faith is your goal, big trials will surely be the way in which you achieve that goal.  One cannot have big faith without first having had a big trial in one’s life.  It simply can’t happen.  It’s like praying for patience.  James tells us plainly that the testing of our faith produces patience (1:3).  Do you want patience?  Prepare to have your faith tested.  I prayed that prayer…once.  Long ago.  The devil obliged and I haven’t prayed it since. 

Do you want big faith?  Prepared for big trials.  And prepare to be shaken to your very core, maybe even to your foundation.  Everything that can be shaken, will be shaken, so that that which cannot be shaken may remain.

Every time I hear that song from Casting Crowns, I cringe just a little and say to myself, “Guys, are you really sure you want that kind of faith?  Do you know what it might cost you?” 

Many of you know that my family has been through great trial.  We lost a wife and a mother to cancer in 2003.  I would not, however, say that I have great faith.  I would say my faith in God is stronger because of it.  I would say that I understand His faithfulness a little better.  I would say I understand a little better His ability to sustain me, whatever life may throw at me. 

I would suggest that big faith should not be our goal.  That would be idolatry.  Our goal must be intimacy with the Father and with Christ.  The more we understand Who He is and what He has done, the more we understand His character, and the more we understand that we can totally trust Him. 

So you want big faith?  Go for it!  Pray for it.  But be ready for the faith you currently have to be tested beyond what it has been tested before.  And one more thing…

Be careful for that which you wish.

Be faithful, my friends.

Knowing God’s Will

I have heard/read some say that God’s will will be done and that we have to accept that, regardless of what His will is. I do not believe this to be entirely true.

If we accept whatever circumstance happens to us as God’s will for our lives, then it must be God’s will for some people to be murdered, get in car wrecks or airplane crashes, and get cancer and die. If one follows this line of reasoning, then it must be God’s will for abortions to happen. We know that nothing could be further from the truth!!!

Simply because something happens does NOT mean that is God’s will. If God’s will is going to happen anyway, why did Jesus give us specific instructions to pray, “Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done…?”

God’s will does NOT automatically happen. It is fatalistic and borderline foolish to think or believe so. Sometimes, however, we do find ourselves in varying degrees of uncomfortable-ness. Sometimes God allows (not causes) unpleasant things in our lives to help us grow and mature in our walk. Sometimes we need to endure hardship as a good soldier of Christ (2 Tim 2:3). Other times we need to rise up in the authority God has given us and resist what the enemy in trying to put on us (James 4:7).

Our responsibility is to seek the face of our Father and find out what His will is in that particular circumstance.

On Growing Old

I have a confession to make.  One I am not proud of.  In fact, it makes me simultaneously sad and angry as well as making me want to withdraw from verbal contact with others.

I have hearing loss.

It isn’t significant, but enough to make social situations quite bothersome.  Let me explain.  If I am in a situation where there is a bit of background noise, for instance at church, or at home, or at work, or at a restaurant, or any other place where background noise exists, I have a very difficult time hearing what is spoken to me.  Voices tend to get drowned in a sea of white noise.  It isn’t that I can’t hear what is spoken to me, it is that I cannot distinguish what is being spoken.  It tends to blend in with whatever background noise is present at the time.

It bothers me to no end to ask people to repeat themselves or to speak louder.  It isn’t their fault.  It makes me appear to be the guilty party, or at least I feel as if I am.  I have taken the necessary precautions to protect my hearing since I began my job as an aircraft assembler over 8 years ago.  Even when I mow the lawn or use other power tools, I always make sure I have “eyes and ears” on…safety glasses and hearing protection.  However, since my sons are of the age where they can mow the lawn, that is now their duty.  And I have been adamant enough about it that they also wear their eyes and ears while mowing.  But that’s a rabbit trail.  Back to my own ears…

I grew up on a farm and was around guns, chainsaws, tractors, and various other equipment and tools typically found on a farm, but I never wore hearing protection.  Maybe that has contributed to my hearing loss.  I know I am desperately trying to save what I have left.

And I need your help.

If you are having a conversation with me there are some steps you can take to help ensure that I both hear and understand you.

1)  Make sure our conversation is face-to-face, especially if we are in a social setting.  We all typically lip-read to some extent, whether we realize it or not.  I depend on lip-reading more than most people.

2)  Enunciate your words clearly.

3)  Try to minimize background noise.  If that is unavoidable, refer to numbers one and two.

Even as I type this, something is telling me I shouldn’t even bother.  That is what is so damnable about the lies of the enemy.  He tells us nobody else has our problem and nobody will understand so why bother sharing a need or weakness with anyone.  You have to deal with it on your own.

So that means it’s my own problem and you don’t really care.  What?  Are you deaf?  Didn’t you hear me the third time???

No, I didn’t.  As painful as it is for me to admit, I did not hear you, so please be patient with me and repeat what you just said…for the fourth time if necessary.  And please don’t become exasperated with me and say something like, “Oh, never mind.”  That makes me feel even worse.

Oh yeah, and I have significant tinnitus.  That’s a constant ringing in my ears.  It is a ubiquitous, albeit unwelcome, companion.

Maybe I’m having a pity-party.  Maybe I’m not.  Maybe I’m simply expressing a weakness of my flesh that has no quick or easy fix; a weakness about which I can do nothing, except of course get a hearing aid.  But I’m not that old.  I shouldn’t need one of those things.

Please “hear” the sarcasm and my feeble attempt at humor in what I am sharing.  If I come across angry or bitter, it is unintentional.  I am neither.  Mostly I am frustrated because something is happening to my body over which I have absolutely no control.  Maybe that’s what it’s like to grow old.  But I’m only 47.  I’m not that old.

Gosh.  Did I just say 47?  Dang, I’m old…

My Ficus Tree

I used to have a ficus tree. Ficus trees are tropical plants and can sometimes be rather temperamental. They love lots of sunshine and water, so mine stayed outside for most of the year here in Texas.

My wife passed away in September of 2003 so I forgot about my ficus tree on the front porch. During those cold winter months I forgot about a lot of things. Grief and tremendous emptiness consumed me during those months.  The ficus froze and finally died, and I ended up completely cutting off the dried crusty tree right above the soil level in the pot. There was nothing more I could do. It was dead, Jim.

One day I had some single friends from church over for a barbecue. It was spring and was beginning to warm up a bit. As the party wound down and I saw my guests to the door, one exclaimed and pointed to the hanging basket where a once-thriving plant now lay dead. A dove had made her nest in that basket. Even with the porch light on and a few spectators, she just sat there on the nest she had built and stared back at us. She wasn’t going anywhere.

The next morning I walked out to the front porch to see that my little friend was still there. After a few moments of studying each other, I looked down to the ground at the ficus tree pot. And I kept looking. Something about it wasn’t right. As I knelt down for closer examination, I noticed a small green leaf had come out from the old dead stump.

As long as we are willing to keep our eyes, ears, and hearts open to the Father, He will show up and speak to us in the most interesting ways. As I contemplated the dove and the new growth on my once-dead ficus, I began to understand that God was bringing both peace and new life to me.

Because our Father is faithful.

Me, Myself, and Duck Dynasty.

I have seen an interesting dichotomy of opinions concerning Phil Robertson, A&E, and Duck Dynasty.  This is an observation only and is by no means scientific.

It seems there is one camp of thought that is concerned that Mr. Robertson’s freedom of speech was trampled by the network that has made millions from airing Duck Dynasty.  I agree that ol’ Phil should have tempered his comments a bit, knowing that anything he might say would get scrutinized by a media hell-bent on finding fault with one who calls himself a Christ-follower.  Bottom line, though, A&E was and is out of line for biting the hand that feeds them.  If I were a Robertson brother, I might vote to quit A&E altogether, after their current contract expires, if A&E doesn’t fully reinstate Phil immediately.

There is another camp of thought that seems to be vilifying Mr. Robertson and those in the Church concerned about his freedom of speech by saying things like, “aren’t there more important things in the world, such as hunger and people dying needlessly?”  I agree that we as believers sometimes get our priorities mixed up.  We are a media-driven society and that tends to isolate us from the things that Christ calls us to do, indeed the things that Christ Himself did, such as feed the poor, heal the sick, and comfort those who are hurting.

BOTH OF THESE VIEWS ARE RIGHT. And each is wrong if taken to the extreme.  

Some people tend to forget that God is a holy God.  Greasy grace.  As believers we should be lovey-dovey and forgiving and just get along with everyone.  We are uncomfortable with those who have prophetic voices, uttered both with love and without, who cry out against sin and injustice and call us to action as Christian warriors.  We are in a battle with evil, remember?  You have battle arraignment for a reason (Eph 6:10-18).

Likewise, some people tend to forget Christ’s words in John 13:35 and Paul’s exhortation in 1 John 4:7-8.  Go ahead, look them up for yourself. 🙂  Most of the time, it’s just easier for us to write a check and send it to a missionary or an organization.  Seldom do we want to actually get our hands dirty with actual WORK, such as helping build a school for children in a Third World nation, or helping dig a well for a village that will die if it doesn’t get water, or helping till a field that will grow food so that village doesn’t also starve, or wiping the brow and cleansing the wounds of a leper or someone who has a serious life-threatening disease.  We forget that two-thirds of God’s name is GO.  

Both schools of thought are equally valid IF they go hand-in-hand.  Each is an expression of the heart of God.  God is eternally holy and just and cannot be in the presence of sin.  God is also endlessly merciful and gracious and is a perfect example of love.  If we have one and not the other, then we are not experiencing the fullness of Christ.

So to those yacking about freedom of speech: Yeah, you’re right, but chill.  Get off your comfy couch, stop watching your reality show on your 50″ Vizio, and go DO something in the real world about the Gospel.  Maybe sell the Hummer or the Caddy, buy a smaller vehicle and give the difference to the poor. Volunteer at a soup kitchen.  Pass out coats to the homeless.  Pay off someone’s layaway at Walmart or Target.  Stop being selfish.

To those yacking about “more important issues:”  Yeah, you’re right, but chill.  Stop thinking the Gospel is all about doing good deeds.  Our forefathers shed their blood and gave up everything they had so you can have the freedom to enjoy resting on your good deeds.  If we don’t stand up for our freedom of speech, our freedom of religion may be the next freedom to get taken away.  

If good deeds get us into heaven, then walking into my garage makes me a car.  Well, not just any car.  A 1969 Cutlass 442 with a 455 and a 4-speed Muncie transmission. Classic muscle car and gas-guzzler.  But as an old fart, that’s my choice of an all-time favorite car.  Hey, at least I’ll be able to deliver all those coats and all that food quickly, not to mention get them to church in record time.

Stay faithful, my friends. 

How Long Will You Mourn?

“Samuel never went to meet with Saul again, but he mourned constantly for him. And the Lord was sorry he had ever made Saul king of Israel.  Now the Lord said to Samuel, “You have mourned long enough for Saul. I have rejected him as king of Israel, so fill your flask with olive oil and go…”   1 Samuel 15:35 – 2 Samuel 16:1

 

Father’s Day is this coming Sunday.  I’m not particularly looking forward to it because I can never seem to find a card for my father that doesn’t say something that isn’t true.  I don’t have fond memories of times shared together.  I don’t really have any life lessons I learned from him.  I don’t miss special times with him because there were none.

Mostly, there is brokenness there.  And there is grief.

I grieve because I have never discussed the things of God with my dad.  We have never sat down over coffee and discussed Scripture and how it applies to us and what God might be saying to us.  I grieve because of the brokenness doesn’t allow us to enjoy the fullness of the father-son relationship.  I grieve because he has never blessed me, and probably never will.  I grieve because choices that we each have made have prevented God’s grace and restoration from entering our relationship. For me, that is a deep loss…something with which I am all-too-familiar.

Samuel was heartbroken over the choices Saul had made.  Those choices prevented God from moving in Saul’s life and bringing him to the place God had for him.  Samuel was witnessing the death of the dreams he had for his young pupil, Saul, and there wasn’t a thing in the world Samuel or the Lord could do about it.  Saul made choices, and those choices limited God’s hand in his life.

Yet Samuel was grief-ridden to the extent that he started shutting down.  The loss was so significant that the Lord regretted that He even made Saul king in the first place.  Sometimes we can be so consumed with grief over a loss that it becomes our identity.  We become so wrapped up in our grief and sorrow that it’s all we can see.  It could be a major disappointment.  It could be the death of a loved one.  It could be a prodigal child who has yet to return to the Father.  It could be the loss of a job or a home.  It could be the loss of relationship with a father who suffered injustice at the hands of his own father, and who himself might be mourning the same loss I am.

So how long will I grieve over this loss?  How long will I grieve over something that may or may not ever happen?  How long will I endure circling the mountain one more time before I am obedient to the direction of my Heavenly Father?

“You have mourned long enough…so fill your flask with olive oil and go…”

The Israelites circled the mountain for forty years in their disobedience to God.  They could have made the trip in eleven days (Deuteronomy 1:2) but they CHOSE their own way.  They made a choice to do it their own way and it cost most of them the chance to ever enter into their Promised Land.

God is saying to you and to me now that “You have mourned long enough over something that may or may not happen.  Fill your flask with the oil of My presence and My Holy Spirit and GO into the land into which I will lead you.”

No, we may not be reconciled with our loved one.  No, we may not have the job or the home we need right now.  No, we may never see our loved one again until we see our Father face-to-face.  We cannot change those things.  We cannot change what has happened.  God isn’t in any of that because God doesn’t dwell in the past, does He?

The only way we can hope to experience the fullness of God in our lives is to move forward in Him.  The image of oil in Scripture has always been symbolic of the Holy Spirit and of newness. We will never experience newness if we dwell on the sorrow and grief of what might have been.  If we continue to grieve over what has been lost, if we continue to hold it, we can never be able to receive the newness of life that God intends for us to have.

You have mourned long enough.  Fill your flask with the oil of My presence and My Holy Spirit and GO into the land into which I will lead you.

Go.  Go…and be faithful, my friend.

 

Choose Wisely, My Son

This past weekend as I was in line to check out at Walmart, my eye happened upon the customer in front of me as he was keying in his PIN for his purchase…1234.  Really, dude?  That’s your PIN??  Identity stolen much?  I could not believe how reckless he was to make that PIN choice.  Folks, identity thieves are smart, sometimes smarter than we are or than we give them credit for.  Choose your PIN wisely or you may end up like the dude on Indiana Jones and The Last Crusade.  He chose poorly.

 

http://www.slate.com/blogs/future_tense/2012/09/19/how_to_choose_a_pin_code_avoid_birth_date_1234_or_8068.html

A Fourth Rabbit Trail Revisited

For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.  Isaiah 55:7-9

I mentioned this verse in my last post and I wanted to camp here for just a moment.  My ways are not your ways…My thoughts are not your thoughts.  What does that mean?  As the heavens are higher than the earth…hmmm.

Allow me to suggest that it isn’t just that God’s ways and thoughts are higher than ours, as in higher in purity and purpose.  I believe God’s ways and thoughts are so “other” than ours that we can’t even hope to understand them.  They don’t even share the same zip code, the same state, the same continent, or the same planet.  God has ways of doing things and causing His will to come to pass that we will always be responding, “WOW!!  I never would have imagined that happening.”  Let me give you an example from my own life.

While I was married to my first wife, she was God’s perfect will for me; God-ordained, God-blessed, fruitful and multiplying (we did have four kids), God’s hand on our lives and His stamp of approval.  No question about that.  God is also working in the heart of a certain young lady from Arkansas, moving in hers and other’s lives in order to get her to Euless, TX.  She’s never been married, but has wanted to be a mother all her life.  She’s a working professional and has traveled and led a very active and healthful life.  God is preparing her for her destiny, to be the wife of a certain father of four and a mother who will unconditionally love and care for those children as if they were her own.

Wait a minute.  How can both of those scenarios be true?  I’m still married to God’s perfect will for my life.  There is no other.  Oh wait, God had a back-up plan.  Just in case the first wife didn’t receive her healing like she should have, God is getting Plan B ready, right?  Yeah, right.

I can’t say what I think of the “back-up plan” theory, other than to say it’s the byproduct of a male bovine eating grass or hay.

Do we think God is so small that He can’t multitask?  Just because we can’t wrap our finite brains around what we see God doing doesn’t mean it isn’t true.  Yes, I was married to God’s perfect will.  I also know that He was simultaneously preparing His perfect will for my life.  I’ll not steal Beth’s thunder as she tells you how God orchestrated her path to Texas.  I do know that He was preparing Beth for us and preparing us for Beth while I was still married to my first wife.  It wasn’t God’s will that my first wife died, we’ve already visited that.  God didn’t cause that to happen, but in His infinite wisdom and power He did use that circumstance to accomplish His perfect will.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28

Regardless of what is happening in your life, God can and will use it for your good.  He may or may not have caused it to happen, but He did allow it.  The Word also tells us that God will not allow us to be tempted beyond what we can handle.  If God has allowed something to come into your life that has you walking a little sideways, you can rest assured that He believes you can handle it…with His help.

Okay, so God didn’t cause my wife to die, but He did allow it, so I know He believes I can reasonably handle the situation.  In other words, God has faith in me.

Uh, wait a minute; you got that backwards, Wes.  We’re supposed to have faith in God.

Yes, we are, but God also has faith in us.  He believes that when we follow His leading and obey His voice, we will make the right decisions.  He trusts us.  That’s called having faith, believing if we do certain things, certain other things will happen.  You do the same thing with your child.  You raise the child; teach him or her the ways of the Lord, to be a good worker, to be faithful and honest, and then you allow them to go out on their own.  Your child becomes an adult and you trust that he or she will make good choices because that’s how you taught and trained them.  Is our heavenly Father any different?  Well yes, but only in the sense that He is the perfect parent and trains us with perfect truth.  It’s up to us as His children to learn the lessons He teaches us.

Let me lay some groundwork.  Before my wife got sick, we had been homeschooling our girls.  For some reason that I can’t remember, we decided to put them in public school.  They really wanted to go to a certain school because their best friends from church were at that school.  An attendance boundary prevented that.  So we end up at a different school with a kindergartener and a second grader.  Both girls were in music class for three years before Beth and I were formally introduced.  They already had a relationship established with the woman who would eventually become their mother.

I was somewhat of a disciplinarian and could be cold and harsh at times.  Ok, I can hear all of you who have known me over the years already agreeing and nodding your heads.  Just stop it, okay? Okay.  So what movie involves a disciplinarian widower with several children, who has a young woman who loves the sound of music as a nanny for his children, then the widower and the young woman fall in love, marry, and live happily ever after?  Hmmm…I wonder.  I’m sure it’s the same movie that still is Beth’s all-time favorite movie.  By the way, Beth has actually danced on the same steps in Mirabell Gardens in Salzburg, Austria, where Julie Andrews closed the “Do, a Deer” song.  Pretty cool, huh?

The funeral was in late September 2003 and I was formally introduced to Beth in December.  Because all the girls’ teachers had reached out to our family, I sent them each a personal letter thanking them for their kindness.  Because I knew Beth was a believer, I shared a few personal things with her about how God was working in my heart.  To my surprise, I received a letter back from her!  God was also doing a work in her heart as she walked out her own faith.

As a condition of walking with me and making himself available to me whenever I needed him, “Papa” told me I couldn’t date or even think about dating for a year.  In truth, that’s just wisdom when one goes through any major life change, especially the death of a spouse.  My emotions were raw and I really couldn’t make wise decisions in that area.

Beth and I began getting to know each other by talking over the phone.  We never spent time together alone and I even told her of my commitment to Papa.  She agreed that was a necessary step to take. I don’t remember when God spoke to me, but one day He indeed told me she was “the one.”  It completely floored me and I argued why she shouldn’t be.  She’s too good for me, she’s too beautiful, she’s too this and that.  Well yeah, she was too good for me.  She still is.  But the Father reminded me that it was His good pleasure to give me good gifts, and she was a gift to me.  He also told me I had to wait.

As the weeks progressed, we began talking more than we should have.  God told me plainly one day to stop all communication with her…period.  I said no, I can’t do that.   For two hours, I wrestled and prayed intensely about it, but for some reason I couldn’t convince God of the validity of my position.  I called Beth and told her what Father had told me.  She agreed that I should obey.  It hurt me to say it, but I told her I didn’t even know if she would hear from me again.  I told her that if she did, she would know that Papa released me from my commitment and that God had spoken to me and released me as well.

It was five long difficult weeks.  During prayer and reading the Word one afternoon, God spoke to me from scripture about creating new things, the old things were passing away and wouldn’t even be remembered anymore.  I literally started shaking and weeping.  I knew what He was saying to me.  It was time.  I had made the choice, I had endured the fire, I had passed the test.

I mentioned at the beginning of this post that God’s ways are beyond us knowing.  That is true when we try to understand them with our natural mind.

Eye has not seen, nor ear heard, nor have entered into the heart of man the things which God has prepared for those who love Him. 1 Corinthians 2:9

We are all familiar with that oft-quoted verse, but many of us forget, or don’t even know, the next verse.

But God has revealed them to us through His Spirit. For the Spirit searches all things, yes, the deep things of God. v. 10

Apart from the Holy Spirit, we can never understand the things of God.  God dealt deeply with my heart during that year.  I heard Him speak truth, comfort, and correction to my heart.  God had been preparing good things for me…He had been preparing Beth for me and me for Beth, and I could only understand that because of revelation from the Spirit of God.  Beth was far more than I could have ever hoped for, and far better than could have ever “entered into my heart.”  But God had prepared those good things for me, just because He loves me.

Hope was once again burning brightly in my heart.

Hope can also burn once again in your heart.  Reach out to the Father, He will meet you right where you are.  Your situation is not hopeless.  God can even resurrect dead dreams.  And it doesn’t matter if you’re faithless right now.  Even when we are faithless and unfaithful, God will still be faithful to us.  He is good, and His mercy endures forever.

Reach out to Him, my friend.

A Third Rabbit Trail Revisited

Love and Logic teaches that we should allow our children to make choices from an early age.  That way, they can experience the benefit or consequences of those choices in a safe environment, and hopefully learn to make good choices all the time.  It also teaches that we as parents should not swoop in and rescue or bail out our child when he or she makes a bad choice.  That short-circuits the purpose of allowing choices.

So my wife passes away and I have a monumental choice to make.   I could become angry or bitter with God for taking away a wife and mother and leaving me to fend for myself and four children.  Since children usually follow the example set by their parents, my kids would then grow up angry at God for taking their mother and they probably wouldn’t pursue Him much at all during their lifetimes.  On the other hand, I could deal with where I am, allow God to reveal Himself in the midst of the storm, and run to Him Who alone is able to heal my broken heart.  Regardless of my choice, my actions will establish my children’s view of God for the rest of their lives.

About three weeks after the funeral, my first real encouragement came from the Father through what I can only describe as an open vision.  My eyes were open, albeit filled with tears, as I wrote down what I saw and heard.  The sights and the sounds were so incredibly vivid that they were forever seared into my heart.

The scene is foggy, dark and wet.  I saw myself walking along a wharf next to a dock.  The old wooden planks groan and creak with every step I take.  The wooden buildings next to the wharf form a wall I cannot see through or get around.  Sounds ring through the night as I walk, even tip-toe, along this dark, wet, and foggy night.  How did I get here?  How will I get out?  It doesn’t matter how I got here, and the question is who will lead me out?  I am utterly lost.  This foggy wharf goes on forever.

 

As I proceed down the walkway, I see the light of an old-fashioned hand-held lantern.  As it approaches, I see that an old fisherman holds it.  I can tell he has dwelt here for years.  He greets me and tells me many have traveled this wharf before.  He has met every one of them and has led and guided them down this wharf to their destination.  How do you know of my destination, I ask.  I don’t know of it myself.  Travelers come along this way for only one reason, he replies.  As we walk, I notice I have not seen his face.  His wide-brimmed hat is pulled down to the upturned collar of his massive fisherman’s overcoat.  The coat hangs to just above his knees, where a short piece of pant leg is visible, before it is swallowed up by his boot.

We walk along in silence.  Sometimes he reaches out his hand to support me as the rotten planks shift under my weight.  I thank him as I put my hand on his back to steady myself.  Though I do not know him, I feel an unexplainable peace as he leads me on.  This wharf is indeed very long.

 

As we continue, the fog thins, and I can tell dawn is beginning to break.  As the light chases away the darkness, I find we are in the middle of a beautiful sunny meadow with flowers in full and fragrant bloom.  His hat gives way to long, flowing, golden hair.  His coat has become a white robe falling all the way to the ground.  And the arm that steadied me is golden, muscular, and sure.  I know You, I exclaim.  He turns to face me and His gentle, almost sad eyes meet mine.

 

Oh My son, He says, every time one of My children comes down this path, it breaks My heart.  You did nothing to place yourself on this road, yet you find yourself traveling it.  I have traveled it many times, and I shall travel it many times more.  You see, I am acquainted with your grief, and I have felt your sorrow and pain.  And it is only by walking the path set before you that you will find your way out of this dark place.

You see, there are some whom I have called to walk a path that will reveal a dimension of My love and grace that only they will know.  They are not special or unique among men, but that dimension of love and grace is there for the travelers of that path.  Not all will go down that road. They are not called to do so.  For some, the journey is longer than for others.  But for each one, I am there to lead them through the night, through the fog, and to support them lest they slip and fall.  I am the Good Shepherd.  I will lead you beside still waters. I will take your hand as you walk through the valley of the shadow of death.  I will lead you in the way everlasting.  And yes, My child, I will restore your soul.  For I am Good, and My mercy endures forever.

Pardon me while I take a moment to compose myself….That vision is as clear and real as it was the moments God spoke it to me nine years ago.  As I was typing it into my blog, I had to stop several times and wipe the tears from my eyes.  Our Father is so sweet and gentle.  The grace I have is only because it was the grace I needed for that time, for that situation.  God will give you exactly the grace that you need for your situation.  You won’t need the grace for a specific situation until that specific situation comes up.  But I can tell you, my friend, when you need it, it will be there.  It will be a different grace than I have in that it will be tailored by the Father to perfectly fit what you are going through.  But it is also the same grace that I received because it came from the Father, Who only gives good gifts!

I chose life.  I chose to allow God to work His will in my heart.  I chose to allow God’s people to surround me and my family and to care for us as we walked through this valley.  I chose to allow a few men close to my heart, who would support me and carry me on their shoulders as God healed me; men who would love me, accept me, and forgive me when I wasn’t being lovable.  “Where will I go?  You have the words of life.”

This is important.  You must surround yourself with God’s people if you are to come through the fire you’re currently experiencing.  You cannot shut yourself off and hide alone with your pain.  You must make yourself vulnerable if God is to work any kind of lasting healing in your heart.  It’s your choice.  Where will you go?  Please run to the Father, for He has the words of life.

One night, my oldest daughter was having a sleep-over for her birthday party.  We were watching a movie, and there was a happy wedding with dancing at the end of the movie.  I couldn’t take it anymore.  I hated that I had to walk through this valley and deal with the pain in my heart.  It just wouldn’t go away.  I hated that others could be happy and I couldn’t.  I hated that other husbands could hold their wives and feel that closeness, yet I couldn’t, and I never had a say-so in the matter.  I got up from my chair, went into my bedroom, shut the door and threw myself on the floor.  I literally cried out to God.  In desperation, I prayed a dangerous prayer because I was tired of where and who I was.  I needed something to happen, something to change, and I didn’t care what or how.  I prayed, “God, if You have to completely tear me down, and rebuild me as the man You want me to be, then do it.”  I had nothing left, I had nowhere to run.

That was the point where I turned a corner and began to walk out of the darkness.  I had come to the end of myself and realized that only by completely surrendering to the Father would I be able to find the peace and restoration that I so desperately wanted and needed.  I can imagine the Father’s response to my prayer, “I can work with this.  There’s nothing in the way.  I can answer that prayer.”

As I continued to walk this out, God met me at every point of need.  I experienced more of His faithfulness and saw more of His provision in those months than I had the entire rest of my life up to that point.  If His love was tangible, I could have reached out and touched it at times.  I heard Him speak to my heart in a way I never had before.  I found areas of my heart that I never knew were there, and I began to discover who God had created me to be.  I began to discover that I was indeed a man of God.

I also began to discover hope.

That once-in-a-lifetime love only comes around once in a lifetime, doesn’t it?  I had already experienced it.  What is interesting is that a few years before, my wife and I had decided that if anything ever happened to either of us, we each wanted the other to grieve for a proper period of time, then move on and marry someone else.  We truly desired that the other would find happiness in another mate if one were to predecease the other.

But still, what hope could be found for an overweight, underemployed, single, 36-year-old father of four?

For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.  Isaiah 55:7-9

God had a plan about which I had not a clue.  Without knowing it, I was introduced to hope in December 2003.  My girls’ music teacher at school had heard me on the radio sharing briefly about our situation.  It touched her heart and after a choir program at school, she shared with me how she had been praying for our family.  I then took some keepsake pictures of my oldest daughter with her 5^th grade music teacher.  Later, I took those pictures to church to show a few close friends.  My pastor’s wife, Susan Hulet, almost fell out of her chair when she saw them.  “I know her!!!” she exclaimed.  Beth had been the music teacher years ago for two of their children at their elementary school.

The wheels of my slow brain began to turn.  I began to see hope.  But it had been only three months since the funeral.  WAY too soon for anything to happen, even I could figure that one out.  I had miles to go before I would be out of this valley.  But God had given me a glimpse of what awaited me ONLY if I made the choice to walk it out His way.

Make the choice to submit to God’s work in your life.  Make the choice to be faithful, my friend.

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Lest this post become too voluminous, I will stop and pick up the story tomorrow.  It would appear that I have more of the story to tell before Beth is able to share, but I promise you will hear from her before this thread is closed.  Lynette and Lisa, I would make a terrible editor.  This is all so good, I can’t edit any of it out!